1. Have a conversation
You have to have a space and a time to have conversations. Understand that other people don’t know what you’re going through. People will say: “Just stop doing XYZ”, “Abandon your family”, “Just leave”, “Oh you’re just an asshole”.
Key principles for the conversation:
- Exert power as a last resort only
- Avoid judgment by all means
- Frame the conversation, but don’t tell people what to do. Create an empty space so that the family can figure this out as a group
Your family will respond in one of two ways:
1. Being defensive: “Oh, and what YOU are gonna do? What are YOU doing here to say that?”
Acknowledge that you are not doing everything right. Ask questions about what is being done well and what’s not perfect. Disarm the defensiveness by starting with your own faults. Ask people for things to improve and acknowledge the feedback (be a role model).
2. Guilt-tripping you:
Don’t give in to their promises. Ask for accountability on every promise they make.
Handling common avoidance tactics:
Ask for expectations. Ask what people expect of you. Don’t be defensive or judgmental.
When people say “I can do nothing”: Ask others if this is true or what else we can do for that person or how can we then do this on our own.
When people try to avoid the conversation: “I’ll do whatever you want, fine!” Don’t provide solutions, ask questions: “Then what are you willing to do? What can I expect from you?”
When family members make big promises but don’t follow up: Explore the problem of not accepting responsibility and having no accountability. Ask people what kind of responsibility they are willing to take. “What is going to happen if you do not do this?” Get them to willingly allow you to impose consequences on them if they do not follow up on their promise. Then ask “What are you going to feel or do if I impose these consequences on you? How will you respond?”
Never set boundaries if you’re not going to follow up on them.
When people put responsibility on anyone but themselves: Ask “No one is willing to accept responsibility. What are we as a family going to do about this?”
Remember: People give you responsibility, but they don’t give you power.
Generic conversation framework:
a. Ask for inputs on a common problem. b. Ask everyone about what we as a family can do to make it better. Ask for means of contribution from everyone. c. Ask “Who’s willing to take responsibility for this?” d. Ask “What will be the consequences of not following through?“
2. Explore your own emotions
- If you’re not enforcing boundaries, explore why. Is it guilt?
- Define a line for yourself between healthy duty and unhealthy guilt
- You shouldn’t feel guilty for anything that is not in your power
- As you try, you can fail spectacularly. Understand that your abilities are limited, and your family may put roadblocks in your path. Understand that you can’t carry your family where you want - they have to walk there by themselves.
- Define what boundaries you are willing to enforce
- When you set a boundary and it is not enforced, what are you teaching your family? That your boundaries can be safely ignored.
- Think about what you are sacrificing your life for. Sacrificing something is only worth it if it changes things.
3. Enforce boundaries
- Try everything that is in your power. Then you can leave and you can be okay about that.
- Everything is not just your fault. There is shared responsibility.
- Understand that you may be enabling their behavior by supporting them. You’re allowing them to not take responsibility.
- Even if their behavior changes, do not back off from enforcing boundaries. Do not allow them to go back to their old behaviors as soon as the danger is gone.
- Once you make the decision to enforce boundaries, tell your family in advance, but if their behavior changes, still follow up on your decision.
- Sometimes moving on from your family is the right thing to do.